People ask me all the time "How are you doing? Is there anything I can do to help you?" Does it sound strange if the inside my head voice screams, make the voices stop?!?!? The emotional roller coaster has me on the upside down rails, which for the record is my LEAST favorite part! When I want to go to sleep my to-do list plays on repeat at full volume. The ongoing list of things I will not be able to do by myself after surgery is growing. And those of you who really know me, know that that is the worst part of this process in my mind!
In the beginning I was focused on the outcome, new cancer-proof boobs, and all the positive aspects of early detection. Now as the day draws closer I am stressing over the little details of kid juggling and recovery. In other words, a full blown pity party! Anyone care to join me? I have plenty of room....
In reality it will all work out fine. The surgery will be successful because I have two of the best doctors, I am young and healthy, and as my grandma says "I come from tough stock". The kids have loads of people to shower them with love and attention. I have the best village and group of friends in the universe who will take care of my every whim, wheither I like it or not. It will only last for a limited time- I WILL be back to my usual crazy pace of life in a few short weeks.
The bottom line is this whole situation could be infinitely worse, on any and every level. I am lucky beyond compare. To attempt to look at it in any other way is just not realisitic, which I always say that I am. So no more pity party, time to face reality and deal with it as gracefully as possible.
Solutions: *keep busy- not hard!
*pamper myself- two spa appointments this week ought to cover that!
*soak up as much kid cuddles as possible
*carry every heavy thing I can think of so I appreciate giving my arms a break
*eat like a starving person now because I will be living in yoga and pj pants for a month
Anything I am forgetting? ;-)
T-minus 7 days.... surgery was changed to Monday the 5th, 6am
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Pre-Op
This is the first surgery I've had that was planned, it's a different sort of experience. Both of my previous surgeries were emergencies. No detailed paperwork, no blood draws, no anticipation... just fix me now please! So today I marched into the hospital to complete the registration paperwork and get my blood drawn. I was definately out of place, lots of older people in obviously poor health. I still have reasons to be thankful. A few signatures and nods of my head and the paperwork was done. Onto the nurses offices for more instructions about what to expect and things to bring for after the surgery. Her funniest comment was that I would have "t-rex" arms. No reaching for anything, elbows tucked to my side. The silliest vision of me as a prehistoric beast flashed thru my mind. Guess I should practice my dinosaur sounds ;-)
Next stop, the lab. I have a definate fear of needles. Before all of my many moments of needing shots and IV's I would ask for the expert and make them let me lay down, what a baby! Now I just look away and send my mind to it's happy place. I usually point out the best spot on my arm for the tech but for some reason today I didn't, big mistake. I seem to be plumbed a little different then the norm, my best vein for blood draw is a little of to the outside of my arm. That lovely tech turned me into a pin cushion. The bruise that is already spreading will be an award winner..... grumble grumble. Guess that will teach me to keep quiet!
Other then very specific showering instructions the night and morning of the surgery I seem to be ready.... as far as the doctors and hospital are concerned. But no one asked me if I was ready- the answer NO. My to-do list is a mile long. On the other hand my house hasn't been this clean in awhile and my pantry is on it's way to being stocked for the end of the world. There may be a control freak in the house....
Next stop, the lab. I have a definate fear of needles. Before all of my many moments of needing shots and IV's I would ask for the expert and make them let me lay down, what a baby! Now I just look away and send my mind to it's happy place. I usually point out the best spot on my arm for the tech but for some reason today I didn't, big mistake. I seem to be plumbed a little different then the norm, my best vein for blood draw is a little of to the outside of my arm. That lovely tech turned me into a pin cushion. The bruise that is already spreading will be an award winner..... grumble grumble. Guess that will teach me to keep quiet!
Other then very specific showering instructions the night and morning of the surgery I seem to be ready.... as far as the doctors and hospital are concerned. But no one asked me if I was ready- the answer NO. My to-do list is a mile long. On the other hand my house hasn't been this clean in awhile and my pantry is on it's way to being stocked for the end of the world. There may be a control freak in the house....
Friday, November 18, 2011
Volunteer Info
So many people have offered to help during the recovery process that my good friend Katie Taylor has assigned herself the job of volunteer coordinator. She found a program that allows us to organize the village. If you want to sign up for a duty you can email her at docktaylor@gmail.com.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
What a Day!
Lately I feel like I have run a marathon by the end of each day. Between the normal stresses of life and the current health issue I feel completely zapped. So you would think sleep would be the perfect solution.... not the case. I toss and turn to fall asleep, only to wake up completely within a few hours. Then wrestle my pillow and blankets while I try to fall back asleep. The only real rest is had on the couch in the afternoon while the kids are running around, go figure!
Ok, enough whinning....
I have a lot to be thankful for. Today's prime example; my friends at the kids' school. I see them mulitple times a day, five days a week. We talk about life, kids, anything old thing.... We look out for each other's kids at the playground after school. Lately we talk a lot about boobs! I have found my latest soap box, telling my story to anyone who will listen so they understand the importance of taking care of themselves and not settling when you feel that something is wrong. Well today's lesson was mine to learn. I was handed a manila envelope by one woman and told to open it at my leisure, that it was from a group of people. It was raining, the kids were whinning. I tucked it under my jacket and drove away. It wasn't until I had battled the older ones over homework that I decided to open it. It blew me away what was inside.... a very clever note unsigned, some pamphlets about breast cancer and support, a gift card for me to go to the spa, and a "slush fund" of money to use however I felt. It made me cry. I know that I have friends there and that I would do anything to support them but to have it handed to me so neatly in an envelope left me speechless and humbled. I am so thankful to those who took the time to participate in my care package. And since the note was anonymous I am unable to thank each person. Do you think it would be too crazy if I wore a sandwich board to school tomorrow with a huge thank you written on it?!
I am blessed! Even when my life is far from a fairy tale and it's hard to see where I am going. My friends and family are beyond supportive. If I just let the stress go and let them help me thru this process I will learn and grow.
Ok, enough whinning....
I have a lot to be thankful for. Today's prime example; my friends at the kids' school. I see them mulitple times a day, five days a week. We talk about life, kids, anything old thing.... We look out for each other's kids at the playground after school. Lately we talk a lot about boobs! I have found my latest soap box, telling my story to anyone who will listen so they understand the importance of taking care of themselves and not settling when you feel that something is wrong. Well today's lesson was mine to learn. I was handed a manila envelope by one woman and told to open it at my leisure, that it was from a group of people. It was raining, the kids were whinning. I tucked it under my jacket and drove away. It wasn't until I had battled the older ones over homework that I decided to open it. It blew me away what was inside.... a very clever note unsigned, some pamphlets about breast cancer and support, a gift card for me to go to the spa, and a "slush fund" of money to use however I felt. It made me cry. I know that I have friends there and that I would do anything to support them but to have it handed to me so neatly in an envelope left me speechless and humbled. I am so thankful to those who took the time to participate in my care package. And since the note was anonymous I am unable to thank each person. Do you think it would be too crazy if I wore a sandwich board to school tomorrow with a huge thank you written on it?!
I am blessed! Even when my life is far from a fairy tale and it's hard to see where I am going. My friends and family are beyond supportive. If I just let the stress go and let them help me thru this process I will learn and grow.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
New Jugs
I met with the plastic surgeon today, Dr. Day. I was photographed, measured, and weighed. Yet another new experience on this journey. Everything that my oncology surgeon had layed out matched what he said, no more surprises is a nice thing. He answered a lot of my questions about the order of events, how long between procedures and what to expect as a final outcome. We talked about recovery in depth, the first week, I am allowed to lift my coffee cup. So village, be on high alert. I will need someone to deliver my every desire to my throne! The following two weeks will be much better but still very light duty. By the beginning of January I should back to my old evil ways. At least until the next procedure, then a little down time, but nothing compared to the first surgery.
The major question.... what size? Seems like a easy enough answer but for some reason I am a little stuck. Too small and what's the point..... Too big and I might regret it. The solution, try them on for size! There's a local lingerie store that does special bras for people who get masectomies. So my peanut gallery and I are going on a field trip soon.
I told him about my new t-shirt, it says "Of course these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me." He laughed and said I also needed the one that says " Please excuse the mess while we are under construction".... I might edit that one to say hot mess, but we shall see ;-)
All in all it was a good appointment. I feel very confident in the surgeons and their abilities. They both are personable and kind. This is going to be a good outcome!
Oh yeah, and my surgery is scheduled for December 6th. Which is the date I requested, even though Dr. Day was supposed to be out of the office, he said he'd still come in and take care of me! Kinda feeling like royalty.... hee hee!
The major question.... what size? Seems like a easy enough answer but for some reason I am a little stuck. Too small and what's the point..... Too big and I might regret it. The solution, try them on for size! There's a local lingerie store that does special bras for people who get masectomies. So my peanut gallery and I are going on a field trip soon.
I told him about my new t-shirt, it says "Of course these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me." He laughed and said I also needed the one that says " Please excuse the mess while we are under construction".... I might edit that one to say hot mess, but we shall see ;-)
All in all it was a good appointment. I feel very confident in the surgeons and their abilities. They both are personable and kind. This is going to be a good outcome!
Oh yeah, and my surgery is scheduled for December 6th. Which is the date I requested, even though Dr. Day was supposed to be out of the office, he said he'd still come in and take care of me! Kinda feeling like royalty.... hee hee!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Uh Oh!!!
There I was minding my own business, just trying to go to sleep. I curled up on my right side and felt like something was stabbing me. Not the kind of sensation that goes unnoticed! Especially when the pain is coming from my right breast. I reached over and found a lump.... it was extremely tender and painful. Immediately I got out of bed, walked to the bathroom, flipped on the light and looked for a visual to go with the pain. Thinking all along that I would have remembered getting an injury there. Nothing to see in the mirror. I went back to bed with my mind screaming "I FOUND A LUMP" on repeat. It took forever to fall asleep that night....
The next morning I called my ob/gyn office and made an appt to have it checked, they could see me that afternoon. The dr. did a breast exam with me cringing and trying to escape. She assured me that it was probably just a cyst. She would order me an ultrasound just to be safe. I was told to wear a supportive bra, avoid caffeine, and take ibuprofen.
The ultrasound was done without a big to do. I saw some strange things on the screen and the tech noted that there was increased blood flow in the lump area. It took a few days for the official results. The report said they found a hypoechoic structure and lesion, recommedation; follow up in six months. It went on to say that they considered the lesion to be 98% "probably benign". If I was not satisified with these results I could request a referral to a breast surgeon for biopsy. It took me a day or so to make my decision.... go see the surgeon. Even a 2% chance of breast cancer and the fact that the pain had not lessened was enough for me to feel the need to find out the 100% answer.
So, I went to see Dr. Faddis, the breast surgeon. He too did an exam and asked if I would go for a mammogram so that he could give me my 100% answer. Still no one was overly concerned. The mammogram would be a diagnostic one, where the radiologist gives you the results on the same visit. Finally no waiting for a phone call! The mammogram experience was not fun to say the least. It required labor breathing and a brought tears to my eyes. While I waited for the results I chatted with an elderly woman. She exclaimed that I was way too young to need their services, I remarked that I wished she was right. The radiologist came in soon after and delivered the news, there was definately something in there that didn't look right and I was to get dressed and schedule a biopsy. No choices, no hand patting, get dressed and take the first opening.... UGH!
I was given a list of instructions about the biopsy procedure and told to bring a driver. My darling friend Bonnie appointed herself my chaueffer and the morning arrived for the biopsy. I dubbed my biopsy the "swiss cheese" mission. Any chance to laugh this experience off was my coping mechanism. We waited and waited, finally a different radiologist called us back for a consult. She looked me square in the eye and said "At this point we are not questioning if it is cancer but what kind it is" and then "I will not believe it if it comes back bengin".... insert the feeling of an atomic bomb dropping. And many thanks to Bonnie for being there. My response, gulp- ok cut them off. I will not go chasing lumps for the next however long and waiting for more positive results. I want a double masectomy and lets move on. She looked a little surprised and said good answer. They changed the type of biopsy I was going to have from the dreaded mammogram machine to a much gentler ultrasound biopsy. Even with that change it was an uncomfortable experience. The dr and the tech kept laughing at my smart remarks and dark jokes. I don't think it was a response they were used to. Finally six chunks were removed and she promised to call me within 48 hours.
It was one of the longest 48 hour waits EVER! I knew I had cancer but not all the other answers that go with that diagnosis. She called around 6:00 and apologized for it being so late. I interrupted with a thank you for calling instead of making me wait another minute. She read off the pathology report, positive for ductal cell carcinoma in situ, Stage 0, hormone positive. All of which didn't mean much to me but I held on tight to the stage number, 0!!!! It can't be any lower. I felt at that moment I had made all of the right choices and sent a thank you to my guardian angel, my Mom. Next step, go back and see the breast surgeon.
My peanut gallery, Bonnie & Jane, marched into the consultation with Dr. Faddis like we were having a party. And the consult that followed was far from the usual! He started with a somber face and shook his head, I shouldn't be seeing you for this. No kidding!! He explained more about the type of cancer that I have, what options for surgery I have, and the treatment that would follow. My choice, still, double masectomy with full reconstruction. An aggressive choice for sure but one that will leave me not looking over my shoulder, no chemo, and no radiation. Next step, go and meet with the plastic surgeons to finalize those choices.
I have slowly but surely talked to my family and friends about this process. I am facing a major surgery with a lengthy recovery. Followed by two smaller surgeries to finish the reconstruction. I am a single Mom with three young children. This is going to require a village! Good thing I already have the best one in existence.
The next morning I called my ob/gyn office and made an appt to have it checked, they could see me that afternoon. The dr. did a breast exam with me cringing and trying to escape. She assured me that it was probably just a cyst. She would order me an ultrasound just to be safe. I was told to wear a supportive bra, avoid caffeine, and take ibuprofen.
The ultrasound was done without a big to do. I saw some strange things on the screen and the tech noted that there was increased blood flow in the lump area. It took a few days for the official results. The report said they found a hypoechoic structure and lesion, recommedation; follow up in six months. It went on to say that they considered the lesion to be 98% "probably benign". If I was not satisified with these results I could request a referral to a breast surgeon for biopsy. It took me a day or so to make my decision.... go see the surgeon. Even a 2% chance of breast cancer and the fact that the pain had not lessened was enough for me to feel the need to find out the 100% answer.
So, I went to see Dr. Faddis, the breast surgeon. He too did an exam and asked if I would go for a mammogram so that he could give me my 100% answer. Still no one was overly concerned. The mammogram would be a diagnostic one, where the radiologist gives you the results on the same visit. Finally no waiting for a phone call! The mammogram experience was not fun to say the least. It required labor breathing and a brought tears to my eyes. While I waited for the results I chatted with an elderly woman. She exclaimed that I was way too young to need their services, I remarked that I wished she was right. The radiologist came in soon after and delivered the news, there was definately something in there that didn't look right and I was to get dressed and schedule a biopsy. No choices, no hand patting, get dressed and take the first opening.... UGH!
I was given a list of instructions about the biopsy procedure and told to bring a driver. My darling friend Bonnie appointed herself my chaueffer and the morning arrived for the biopsy. I dubbed my biopsy the "swiss cheese" mission. Any chance to laugh this experience off was my coping mechanism. We waited and waited, finally a different radiologist called us back for a consult. She looked me square in the eye and said "At this point we are not questioning if it is cancer but what kind it is" and then "I will not believe it if it comes back bengin".... insert the feeling of an atomic bomb dropping. And many thanks to Bonnie for being there. My response, gulp- ok cut them off. I will not go chasing lumps for the next however long and waiting for more positive results. I want a double masectomy and lets move on. She looked a little surprised and said good answer. They changed the type of biopsy I was going to have from the dreaded mammogram machine to a much gentler ultrasound biopsy. Even with that change it was an uncomfortable experience. The dr and the tech kept laughing at my smart remarks and dark jokes. I don't think it was a response they were used to. Finally six chunks were removed and she promised to call me within 48 hours.
It was one of the longest 48 hour waits EVER! I knew I had cancer but not all the other answers that go with that diagnosis. She called around 6:00 and apologized for it being so late. I interrupted with a thank you for calling instead of making me wait another minute. She read off the pathology report, positive for ductal cell carcinoma in situ, Stage 0, hormone positive. All of which didn't mean much to me but I held on tight to the stage number, 0!!!! It can't be any lower. I felt at that moment I had made all of the right choices and sent a thank you to my guardian angel, my Mom. Next step, go back and see the breast surgeon.
My peanut gallery, Bonnie & Jane, marched into the consultation with Dr. Faddis like we were having a party. And the consult that followed was far from the usual! He started with a somber face and shook his head, I shouldn't be seeing you for this. No kidding!! He explained more about the type of cancer that I have, what options for surgery I have, and the treatment that would follow. My choice, still, double masectomy with full reconstruction. An aggressive choice for sure but one that will leave me not looking over my shoulder, no chemo, and no radiation. Next step, go and meet with the plastic surgeons to finalize those choices.
I have slowly but surely talked to my family and friends about this process. I am facing a major surgery with a lengthy recovery. Followed by two smaller surgeries to finish the reconstruction. I am a single Mom with three young children. This is going to require a village! Good thing I already have the best one in existence.
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